The Queen’s Platinum Embarrassments – By: Tunde Asaju

Queen Elizabeth II, Queen of England and 14 Commonwealth Realms aka Mama Charlie is about to cement history. She is the longest reigning English monarch in history. As Queen of England and Head of the Commonwealth of Nations, she is the only human on earth (aside from shoddy Nigerian politicians) allowed to celebrate her birthday twice a year. Until recently, she is the only married woman who is not required by law to take her husband’s surname.

Mama Charlie was enjoying a safari in Kenya 70 years ago when she was crowned queen. Since then, she has given up on any plans to be an ordinary human and settled for the role of the most powerful monarch in the Western Hemisphere. If you ask royal watchers, she handled that responsibility with uncommon passion.

If you ask those celebrating milestones, the Queen deserves to unfurl the drums for her Platinum Jubilee, but only heaven could help her pull off that feat in June. The reasons are not far-fetched. Last year, during a crippling corona lockdown (not a crown relative), Her Majesty’s husband Prince Philip was admitted to hospital. He would later die from old age complications unrelated (that’s what they told us and we have to believe them) to COVID-19.

Despite her enormous power, the queen wept silently (since the royal family is forbidden to shed tears, that’s for commoners.) In church, she sat alone – stoic, resplendent and exuberant without a soothing arm to pat her back. In simplistic splendour, her husband deigned to shake the world, any dignitary kept at bay. Boris Johnson, the boy-man to whom the Queen entrusted governance had imposed a lockdown and the Queen has revealed she is not above the law. It is as it should be.

It is now confirmed that Johnson only made rules to fool even the Queen. The former mayor of London, serial divorcee and newspaper columnist doesn’t live by his own rules. While the UK was locked down, the Prime Minister hosted drinking sessions and booze parties. As we write, he is rallying other traitors to his defense. His followers believe he is the modern phoenix rising from the ashes of ignominy to shine brighter. Others want him gone. If he falls, that would be the best confirmation that karma is a bitch. As Buhari campaigned for change, Johnson heckled and harassed Theresa May, her predecessor until the poor lady resigned as she bid a tearful farewell to the ‘country I love’.

If that was the only problem for Her Majesty, her subjects could still be rolling the drums in June. Unfortunately, when it rains, it rains. When the royal bard announced the birth of Charles the Prince of Wales 73 years ago, the whole world rejoiced. Nothing seals the inheritance line better than the birth of a son. Charles was groomed to succeed his mother. As royal matchmakers scoured the Commonwealth for a princess worthy of his heart, Charles Core was with a daughter a few months older – Camilla Rosemary Shand, aka Mrs Parker Bowles, aka Mrs Charles the Duchess of Cornwall.

The royal matchmakers were not to let this happen. Not when they found a lady worthy of the crown – Diana Frances Spencer, flawless beauty, who, as Shakespeare’s Benvolio would have it – had been groomed to make the prince think his swan was a crow. The young prince accepted the engagement and the two raised two young boys before the romance finally hit the rocks. Charles returned to his bella and Diana did not survive the intrigues. Tabloid (non-British) reporters swear that’s why Her Majesty is in no rush to pass the crown to her eldest son despite his age limitations. No Western journalist would ask the Queen if there is any truth to this conjecture.

Patriarchal royal etiquette prohibited the Queen’s husband from virtually attending the birth of her children. But Queen Elizabeth had read a fad in America where husbands were present in the labor room. She enlisted her husband to witness the birth of their second son – beloved Prince Andrew. While Charles has settled into the future taking over of his royal duties as he reunites with his idol, Andrew lives in the world of socialites, indulging in boozy parties and wanton sex.

He has found a peer in late American socialite Jeffery Epstein who, according to court documents, pimped 17-year-old Virginia Guiffre for her royal pleasure. Epstein killed himself rather than face the ignominy of the Me-Too movement. Guiffre came down hard on the Queen’s beloved son forcing the excited prince to return to his mother in hopes of being protected by maternal immunity. Last week, his beloved mother stripped him of his royal and military titles. The Commonwealth of Nations has followed suit with all the charities and NGOs that once took advantage of its royal privileges to deny it.

The courts have ruled that Prince Andrews must return to the United States, the scene of the crime, to prove his innocence. If the prince ever slept with the girl, it was a trivial encounter as his response to the allegation is simply – I don’t remember! Some say he may have been too tired to remember. Whatever the answer, the prince is worth $25 million in assets and US courts are notorious for impoverishing pedophiles. Andrew is fighting very hard to stay home and away from parties. History risks dropping him as it promises Boris Johnson. For all you want, they could form an association of misbehaving boys.

Her Majesty’s headaches don’t end there. Prince Harry, the second son of Charles is a maverick. Rather than let royal matchmakers choose a wife for him, he made his own choice – a woman of color, a divorcee with whom he has now raised two adorable children. Harry wants nothing to do with scandals or even the wealth of his bloodline. Not so long ago, he gave up his royal privileges to be with his bella. He even moved to the United States for her, from where he podcasts stuff that doesn’t sit well with royal palaces.

At a time when his uncle, Prince Andrew was setting fire to the royal legacy, Harry has raised the critical mercury on the royal thermometer. He is suing the British establishment for granting him royal escorts when he asked to fund his own security and other expenses out of pocket. The costume threw more wrenches into the works for the Queen’s 75th birthday.

The icing on the platinum embarrassment cake is the discovery of a Chinese “spy” in Her Majesty’s Parliament. MI5, the British spy service, has named lawyer Christine Lee as a Chinese spy. Ms. Lee’s business page describes her as the legal adviser to the Chinese Embassy in Britain. His closeness to MPs was concerning enough that the spy agency issued a warning note. She has yet to be charged with any crime, but the embarrassment is sure to add to Her Majesty’s Platinum headaches and cast a stain on her joyous celebration.

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